Set Course to Random!
by xXWintersDescent
Summary: Oneshot. What happens when a caf-hyped Exile gets bored, sets the navicomputer to "random", and accidentally sends the Ebon Hawk to the actual planet Random? utter hilarity of course! I don't own KOTOR 2 or any of the songs in this story.


All was quiet on the Ebon Hawk, its' occupants either silent or deep in slumber. Even the ship itself was peacefully drifting along in real-space, all but the most vital systems on power-save mode if only for the fact that they simply had nothing to do and nowhere to go just yet. Finally, after their long journey reached a rather...explosive...climax at Malachor V, everything was simply calm.

Except for a certain Jedi Exile that was fiddling with the display monitor fretfully as she sat in the co-pilot's seat. She couldn't take sitting still much longer. At the very least they could be on some planet's war-razed surface trying to help along needy citizens or beginning to look for clues as to where to begin searching the Unknown Regions. _Not_ biding away their time needlessly in a drifting ship.

OK, perhaps she was being a little harsh on her crewmates. _Sleep loss does that to a person. As I know only too well,_ thought the Exile as she glanced over jealously at Atton's heavily snoring form slumped in the pilot's chair. She wanted to be able to rest like that, to forget the war, Kreia, Malachor, the true Sith Empire that was hiding just outside of known space...

_Taking a turn for the overdramatic there, Aria. Lose a few nights' sleep and suddenly you're the most unfortunate, deprived Jedi to have wandered known space. Sheesh, it's not like I'm responsible for...but what about...no that doesn't count...hmm. Oh joy, I really am. _The Exile rolled her eyes and tried to make her position in the plush yet cramped chair more comfortable and sleep conducive.

_Calm your mind...clear your thoughts...lull off to sleep...aw kriff, who am I kidding? Tell that to the five cups of caf I drank today! Stupid caf addiction. _After a few moments, the Exile's eyes popped open and she jumped out of the seat, unable to stand the boredom any more. What would be most entertaining at this point in time...

Her eyes wandered over to the pazaak deck sitting on the center console and she picked it up absentmindedly. The Exile didn't think she could take another game by herself or building a card tower _again_. She looked over at Atton and grinned mischievously.

With one swift motion she sent the deck hurtling at his head and it landed smack between his eyes, cards flying everywhere like a paper fireworks explosion. Startled, he jumped and fell out of the seat, landing underneath the pilot controls and pressing a few important looking buttons on the way down. As a result, the Ebon Hawk pitched forward then executed a rather erratic set of turns and loops that would have no doubt trashed the interior and woken the crew if not for the gravity stabilizers.

Atton scrambled up and grabbed at the controls haphazardly, finally managing to bring the ship under control. He fell back in the seat, wild-eyed and breathing heavily out of shock and utter stress.

"Oh good, you're awake." Atton's gaze settled on the Exile with her hands folded behind her back and a too-innocent-yet-suspiciously-smug expression on her face.

"There are more...subtle...ways to wake me up you know. What do you need anyway?", he croaked.

"Yeah but I was bored. And nothing in particular, just had a pazaak deck and wanted to see what would happen if I chucked it at your head." She paused as if thinking something over. "Wanna pick those up and play a game of pazaak?"

"In the middle of the night when you've just nearly given me a heart attack?"

"Well duh", drawled the Exile as if it were the most natural, logical thing in the world.

Atton could practically feel his jet-black hair turning grey. "There are times even I don't want to play pazaak. And this would be one of them." He settled back in the seat and closed his eyes, willing the sleep to come. Just as he was about to drift off...

"Heyyyyyy ATTON!" Came the Exile's yell from _right behind his head_. Atton turned his chair around to glare at her.

"WHAT?"

"Look, I'm bored and I can't sleep no matter how many cups of delicious caffa I drink to calm me down. And I want to go somewhere or do something. Oooh, how 'bout we set the hyperdrive to 'random' just to see what it'll do?", yelled the Exile, who was now bouncing up and down slightly.

"Why would you think caffa...never mind I don't want to know. And no, I'm not going to set the hyperdrive to 'random'...we could send the _Hawk_ barreling into a star or a black hole or the middle of the Unknown Regions...Aria?"

But she was already typing in the word "random" on the ship's navicomputer and hit the hyperdrive switch just as Atton swiveled the chair around to look for her. Frantically he pressed display screens and buttons trying to cancel the flight pattern but the navicomputer controls froze. Strangely enough, there was an ETA still counting down in the corner of the screen, so they must have been headed somewhere. Seeing as Aria had gotten bored with being awake in general (big surprise there) and was now snoring loudly in the co-pilot's seat, he decided it was more imperative to take advantage of the peace and quiet while it still remained.

**Several hours later**

Atton was awoken again by another pazaak deck to the forehead. Grimacing at the red, blue, yellow, and green cards scattered all over every nook and cranny of the usually immaculate cockpit, he brought his head up slowly to look at the Exile again. "Will you STOP doing that?"

"No, it's too entertaining. And the colors are pretty. Oh right, I wanted to tell you we're coming out of hyperspace."

The potential danger of their situation coming back to Atton's consciousness, he braced himself against the armrests of his seat as the ship entered real-space – in front of a planet flashing every shade of florescent colors and with a gigantic creepy smiley face plastered on its' front. Slowly Atton touched the ship down on its' blindingly glowing surface. Little swirly, leafless plants sparsely dotted the flat landscape, permeating the rainbow-colored mist, and little multicolored orbs with creepy smiley faces mirroring the planet's floated around aimlessly.

"Aria, you're not going to believe this but...welcome to Random."

"There's actually a planet _called _Random? Didn't see that comin'."

"No kidding."

"Doesn't look like you could walk on its' surface though. Think it has any effect on the atmosphere?"

The Exile's question was immediately answered by T3-M4's appearance in the cockpit...wearing a brown hairpiece and beeping in rapid succession.

"Feh feh feh, fehhh feh feh feh", the droid announced in an effiminate tone.

"T3, what the blazes is wrong with your vocabulator? And where did you get that wig?"

T3, now wearing a pink sparkling crown on top of his hairpiece, only tersely replied "Feh fehhh feh feh feh feh feh" and motioned for both the Exile and Atton to follow him to the main room. The Exile translated, "From what I can still understand of him, he says the rest of the crew is out in the main living space doing the...LAWL dance..."

Atton looked at her incredulously before the two sprinted down the narrow corridor, nearly tripping over T3 in the process. The droid "feh"ed angrily at the two for nearly knocking off it's wig, though Atton and Aria were a bit too preoccupied staring in awe at the scene taking place.

The Six Flags theme song was blaring loudly from some unknown source, and Mandalore, Visas, Mira, Mical, Bao-Dur, and even HK-47 were standing in a line, bobbing up and down while pumping their fists upward in a "raise the roof" motion. The Exile's eyes were wide as saucers as she shouted, "What is going ON? I haven't seen half of you even _smile_ yet and here you are dancing like idiots all of a sudden and OH MY GOSH ATTON YOUR HAIR IS PINK!"

The Exile handed him a conveniently placed mirror hanging under a label "In the Event Atton's Hair Inexplicably Turns A Weird Color" and he shrieked as he beheld his newly hot-pink hair. He pointed his hands toward his face and began making rapid fanning motions as he appeared to have a nervous breakdown. _OK this is getting really weird really fast. _

"Gleeful song: Sunshine lolly pops and rainbows everywhere. Wonderful is what I feel when we're together. Brighter than a lucky penny on the street..." sang HK-47 as he skipped past holding a plasteel container full of glitter and randomly dousing anyone and anything with the stuff. Most notably the Exile's hair. Yep, if there was anything the Exile hated more than surprise Sith attacks, it was glitter. Especially the kind thrown everywhere by clearly defecting assassin droids. "Query: Do you want to pick flowers with me?" asked HK, to which the Exile just stared back until he resumed singing.

The Exile turned around to face the rest of her crew, who were now blasting Chacarron Macarron over the speakers and doing a conga line in checkered jumpsuits. Purple frying pans wearing flower garlands drifted by as Kreia somersaulted through the room on a unicycle.

G0-T0 sprinted, or rather floated rapidly, through the room holding two rolls of fast-unwinding toilet paper in his metal appendages, droning, "WHEEEEEEE" as he passed by on his way to the starboard cabins.

Finally the Exile shouted, "ALL RIGHT STOP! ORDER! I NEED SOME ORDER ON THE SHIP! THIS IS MADNESS!" and the room fell silent for a few minutes before a deep voice echoed from the very back of the ship.

"THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

At this point the Exile didn't even bat an eyelash as Darth Vader and a legion of stormtroopers emerged from the engine room and began to do the Caramelldansen dance in the background. The rest of the crew, still wearing the garish jumpsuits, gathered at the front and formed a Broadway dance line as Mandalore and Mira jumped up onto the central computer console and began to sing "R.E.S.P.E.C.T, find out what it means to me, R.E.S.P.E.C.T. YEAHHHHH!" Rather badly, I might add.

"Of course, why would I expect something different? Never mind that you guys", motioning to the stormtroopers, "aren't supposed to be around for another...oh I don't know...FOUR THOUSAND YEARS but that's cool, just absolutely FAN-tastic! And I don't even want to know how the rest of you learned how to dance the can can in perfect synch!"

"FEH!"

The Exile spun around to see T3 sporting a badly overdone makeup job and Atton with his pink hair in a mohawk. She was borderline hysterical at this point. Gesticulating wildly, she half-squealed, half screamed,

"AND HOW IS THE DROID WEARING MAKEUP!"

HK-47 skipped out of the computer room with a set of paints in tow, a towering medieval-style powdered wig now atop his head. "Response: I gave the trash compactor a much needed paint job. Isn't it just prettilicious!" "Realization: Just like my new 'do!" The droid patted the wig affectionately before catching sight of the Broadway performance and joining the line.

The Exile's eye twitched. "Frag this, I'm outta here."

She pushed aside Atton and T3-M4 and took off at full speed to the cockpit, practically pounding in the coordinates to Telos as soon as she was within reach of the navicomputer. Hopefully the return to realspace would bring normality. Makes sense, right?

Unfortunately, she didn't notice the orange flying bantha coming straight for her head, or T3's alarmed "FEH!" as she blacked out.

**Several **_**more**_** hours later**

The Exile found herself back in her own bunk as she opened her eyes to T3's anxious beeping, and quickly shut them again, not wanting to deal with the annoying utter randomness again. _Hang on a second, he's beeping, not saying "feh"...could it be?_

She jumped out of bed and ran out to the main room, where an image of Telos hovered over the central computer and her crew was enjoying breakfast seated around it. Ready to jump for joy, she suddenly burst out,

"YES I'M BACK! T3'S NOT WEARING MAKEUP, ATTON'S HAIR ISN'T PINK, MANDALORE AND MIRA AREN'T SINGING DUETS, HK ISN'T RAMBLING ABOUT COSMETICS, G0-T0'S NOT TP'ING THE CABINS, NOBODY'S WEARING JUMPSUITS, AND THERE'S NOT A SINGLE STORMTROOPER IN SIGHT! VICTORY!"

The Exile then proceeded to grab Atton's pazaak deck off of the console and throw it at his face, hitting her mark as she ran off the ship going "HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEE".

Bewildered, everyone turned to look at Mical as he fished out a datapad, typing rapidly as he mumbled, "So I'm guessing that experimental allergy medication is a no then." 


End file.
